Take a walk for me

Bet ya thought a little part of me died inside.

Haven't heard the strange word in a while

well the fuck stops here. there I was ... standing with my dick in the wind, my pants around my ankles, laughing. I then preceeded to fall over. There were no drugs pumping through my veins, no booze had quenched my thirst. I simply couldn't stand it. Rubber rubbed my body. Tightly up against my ... armpit.

I used my arms to put me back in my place -a wheelchair- and tied the shoelace of a belt around my waist for the first time in nine god damn weeks. With rubber back under my arms I prayed to GOD not to let my pants drop again. They didn't.

I tried three more times to stand with no avail. This takes me to a new level of...of...something, I dont know, but its not good.

This is the best time they say. "We're through the looking glass" Lindon Johnson told me once. But I think he was talking about Vietnam. Paul Bunnian told me, "Out of the frying pan, into the fryer!" That is much more appropriate here.

traveling south

It’s a constant mess we keep making for our selves and I cant say that I regret it. The harder I try to make it easier…well I guess that about says it all right there. The harder I try to make it easier. Ha. I should have learned by now that it’s so much easier to make it harder. You can really put things into perspective while you take a leak touching elbows with an old woman who doesn’t suspect a thing. She smiled and so I smiled right back. It makes me smile to think what’s possible these days.

I am heading for the fall… like I have never seen it before. Reds and yellows are what I dream of but who knows if the trees just look like that in the movies. I guess I will soon. I

I really am excited to have my first glimpse of the blue ridge mountains.

goin' country

Nothing speeds up recovery time like making yourself
look like an idiot. And we all know that I have
definitly mastered that skill. I was tired of everyone
feeling sorry for me in the wheel chair so I picked
out these colors on the casts so people would just
think about that in the time that they passed me by.
Its been working great!
Fight the stash,

diving off the deep end

It’s a crazy thought, death. So consuming, hard to get off once you get on to it. To go out in a blaze of glory…it sounds good doesn’t it. A good way to be remembered. Much better then Aunt Mary who took ten years to wither away in that cold hospital bed, withering everyone who knew her as well. Yes that is definitely not for me.

So now all that’s left is figuring out how to be remembered and who will actually be willing to help.

Lost at sea is about as stoic as they come. But the draw of saying that today is a good day to die, and walking deep into nature to let its children return me to the earth is pretty impressive. I guess it would really depend on my physical condition. Free falling would be pretty impressive as well, but I don’t know anyone that would push a quadriplegic out of an airplane. One thing is definite. It would be wrong to take others lives in my final hurrah.

Keep changing colors

So every day this week I have gotten something in the mail. It’s pretty exciting. My favorites are the bills. Every day last week included one for at least a grand. But today was the best by far. It weighed so much I could hardly hold back the excitement as I tore open the envelope. And there it was, a beautiful number indeed. Twenty one thousand and blah blah something something to be exact!

The best part is I still haven’t gotten all my bills yet. In fact I am not even a third of the way through my recovery yet!

I know what you are asking. What goes through a mans head when he sees a bill like this come his way? Does he have regret? Does he cry? Does he think about any possible deep pockets in the family that would be willing to bail him out of the mess he got himself into? Or if he should go back on everything he stands for and sue?

The answer to all of these was no. Rather I simply began to laugh. You know the laugh that I am talking about don’t you? The one with the crazy eyes that a kamikaze dive bomber gets right before he crashes into an enemy destroyer! Some of you might have been lucky enough to have seen me in a state like this before. It’s quite scary for some while others just laugh and enjoy the ride. I must admit, I really enjoy it myself.

As I began to read through the details the laugh grew stronger in conviction. Each screw cost between $45 and $90 dollars. But don’t worry; I am going to try to return some of them when they come out. And I can finally say that I went on a three day drug binge that cost me thirty five hundred bucks! If only the drugs would have worked it would have been all worth it. The disposable tourniquet was $650 bucks but I vividly remember them using an old water weenie so I must talk to them about that. The best deal I got was for that fucking catheter they gave me. They only charged me $220 for it after seeing the pain I went through when they ripped it out. Oh the list goes on, but I don’t want to bore you.

No, instead I think I shall get to the point…uh…

Well the truth is, what’s done is done and uh… I am sure I will look back on this one day and laugh. Wait a minute that’s it right there. I’m laughing right now. Ha! Ha I say. So take that to the bank and fucking spend it!

Laughing Out Loud, Daniel Curtis Zahn!

I cry a lot.

Pretty much any time a good movie is on. But last night I cried alone about my own life for the first time in almost ten years. I cried about my legs being taken away from me… although that’s not really true. They weren’t taken from me I mean, it was more like I gave them up. And now all I’m left with…is time. Time to think mostly. About the future, what happened, bills, and the likes. Everyone is staying so positive. But I saw it in the doctor’s eyes. His eyes couldn’t lie to me. I didn’t realize it until today but my feet are really jacked up. There are 4 screws in the right one and 9 in the left. Not to mention two plates, some wire, and two huge pins that start out outside of my skin and criss cross inside the foot itself. The worst break is the left navicular which is about the size of a lump of coal. I broke it into ten pieces.

I am not depressed yet but I don’t want to put out a false image that I am the most positive person in the world either. It’s a hard time right now. I’m in the tunnel and it’s dark. I can’t see the end yet. And that makes me question if it’s even a tunnel at all. Maybe it’s a real deep cave. I just want to be honest. Honest with myself that is.

.

.

.

Then again, if all else fails. I could always just get a wooden peg leg that detaches with a knife to scare kids.

Stay positive, dan

A helicopter buzzed over my head while I took a bight of my free cheeseburger from In and Out. There were clowns everywhere. Clowns tying balloons. Clowns juggling. A clown on stilts had to duck his head the choppers were flying so low. I knew this was going to be a night I would remember for the rest of my life.
The Oakley factory was throwing a movie premier and I had invited myself and some friends. The building itself belongs in Gotham City. Rigid, cold, and full of fake pretty people…and of coarse, clowns.
The movie was about snowboarding and everyone was excited. After it was all over we took a quick detour to Michael Jordan’s private basketball court but there were no balls to play with. Instead, there stood a single rope, rising up to the heavens some 50 feet above. I knew what I was born to do and without hesitation, I began to climb. My friends watched as I reached the top but something wasn’t right…in fact, heaven wasn’t ready for me on Wednesday. On the way down I began to slide. I lost my grip at between 20 and 25 feet high. When I hit the ground I
knew immediately that something wasn’t right. Indeed something was not right … I shattered bones in both my feet and am going in for surgery on Wednesday. So what I am trying to say is, I just got a lot of free time and will be writing a lot more than usual.

un"bear"able

Dot, dot, dot; I say the word crazy its true but not as it applys to you . it’s the state im in, not to be confused with my state of mind … but I don’t think you know what I am talking about, do you. It was a good summer to say the least. Alaska

was good to me, and I think I am the luckiest person in the world.

One quick tale and then a picture:

The ranger at the trailhead made it clear not to lose the trail near the saddle of Near point on the third day of our backpack, but that was an hour ago and I couldn’t be bothered by that now. I was on a game trail with my trusting campers following, and I was assuming it was a Moose’s trail I had stumbled across as apposed to something worse. Sure enough my hunch was confirmed as I rounded a bush and there stood before me was the most mellow moose I had ever connected eyes with. As I continued to bushwhack I came to two realizations. They came just as I was stepping over the remains of another dead moose. First; one moose doesn’t just eat another moose. And second; Game trails are just like freeways: everyone uses them. A giant pile of poo…bear poo…grizzly bear poo was the last thing that I wanted to step in as I forged on. “At least it wasn’t fresh” I told myself. “You would only be in trouble if it was fresh,” is what I kept reminding myself for the next hour as I marched deeper and deeper into the bush. We humped through this nasty web of tangled trees that I thought would never end until I came to my worst fear. There before me was a huge pile of fresh, wet, smelly Grizzly bear poo. And just in front of it were three huge bear paw prints. The claw marks left in the mud were big enough to scare Jesus himself. I thought of a lot of things at that moment.

I decided to blaze my own trail and not share my recent find with the group. I drew my pocket knife-as if it would do any good- and the kids just laughed at my fear. It was the joke of the trip but that was fine by me. We were in tall grass now and every step I was convinced that I would trip over an angry, hungry bear and that would be that… But that never happened to me. Instead we found the trail and that night watched the fireworks miles away over the city of anchorage. It was the fourth of July, and damn it felt good to be an American… in Alaska…

Continental US

Colorado always clears my head, but I miss my boat. I saw the movie Hitch on an airplane ride to alaska yesterday and it was so lame. I swear I didn't tear up at all....

But yea, alaska is bigger than I pictured it.

Walking out of the airport I held my breath. It was in the air, in fact it was all around me. It hadn't hit me untill the 40 year old woman yelled at me for not getting in her cab. And then, all at once, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Her shirt said hello kitty but all she said was she had an appartrment so she didnt know anything about a cheap hotel. Fortunatly for my memories she knew how to cause a scene and it was pretty impressive to see her yelling to a group of people about how she'd never needed to stay in a hotel before.

Just then Vladimer pulled up and I took my que. He took us to his friends house/ hostel and told about the Tears of Allah. I dont think he was on it so we tipped him well.

Today We will buy food and tomorrow we will share it with our thirteen kids. We is Anna Kurtz. She is crazier than me and the kids have no idea what they are in for.

Stay away from the Tears of Allah, Dan

consu-me

My sister pointed it out so clearly to me why I would never be running for office. You can’t help people that don’t want to be helped. And it sure seems to me like more and more Americans are more worried about what brand of sunglasses they are wearing than the issues that I would attempt to tackle if I ran for office. I mean it’s hard enough to talk politics with someone on the other end of your political spectrum, but at least they believe in a cause. It is truly frustrating, however, to try and talk about social issues with someone who doesn’t care. I just don’t understand how you could not have an opinion about issues that directly affect you. That you don’t want to learn about them. That you just want to change the subject and talk about how disapointed you were with the new lines at the gap!

Rich with...shit, I forgot

We base our whole lives on what we have to show for. All I ever hear people say is something along the lines of how they are 30 years old and have nothing to show for it. This is crazy to me. I am 26 and until last week I had nothing to show for it. It didn’t bother me though, in fact, I don’t have a single regret in my life so far and I probably won’t. I don’t value my life on what I “have to show for it.” I value my life on something far more important to me, my memories. They will never be taken. And nothing that has value in our society will ever bring a smile to my face or a tear from my eye quicker then memories of my friends, family, and my experiences.

I want to be a nomad

It hit me as I pulled back in to my new slip. My dream had come true. I can’t believe it only took two and a half years, and now she is mine… Yesterday I bought an Ericson 35 sailboat. My friends Sean and Raquel accompanied me on the maiden voyage of NOMAD VI. As we pulled out of the harbor my heart began to race. We headed into the wind, raised the sails, and the cut the engine. The sound of the wind is so simple, it’s almost hypnotizing. It would be nice if you could come sailing on her one day.

I take it all back

So I was bragging a few weeks ago letting everyone know that I was going down to Aruba, Panama and Costa Rica. But now that I’m back I don’t know if I can actually say that I have been to them. Don’t get me wrong, I was physically in those places…I am trying to beet around the bush here but its not working very well…I WENT ON A CRUISE alright! With that said I will get back to the point. You don’t really get to see the real Costa Rica when you are only there for 8 hours and 6 of them are on a tour bus with a hundred other tourists. Instead you get to see the Disneyland version of Costa Rica- Very beautiful but without the culture.

But I really must say that other than that, the trip was amazing! The best part was hanging out with the family. There were nine of us total and we tore that ship a new one.

If you haven’t been on a cruise before I would save it for when you are having problems with your marriage. All you have to do is eat and have sex (this was unfortunately not my case as I shared a room with my mom and her boyfriend).

Every where we went was so beautiful. The Panama Canal was truly incredible. From now on anytime I think that I can’t do something I will remember the attitudes of those that built the canal and what they would probably say to me, “If you try too hard you will only die of the yellow fever like me!” But seriously, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything, Marty Mcfly…I mean Dan Zahn